The Super Ultra Mega Turbo Semi All Powerful Me
by Stolas
Summary: This is a very unusual look at Artemis Fowl's psyche, if you like Freud you will love this. Artemis examines himself with aid from an entity known as Me, despite starring Me and Artemis, I am totally absent,I and Me being 2 very different things.
1. Into darkness

The Super Ultra Mega Turbo Semi-All-Powerful Me

By Stolas

WARNING TO ALL, SPOILERS UP TO TTP!!!

Artemis opened his eyes and saw nothing. "I'm still asleep." Those were his thoughts.

Forever he stared into the darkness, into the void.

Calm was he, he of mortal nature.

Calmer than most mortals, in their encounters with the anything but.

An entity or a shape began to appear in the darkness, very slowly did it approach...

Like a snake after a trapped mouse.

Artemis felt nothing as he stared out into nothing.

An odd sort of sing song melody reached his ears, though he could not make out a single note.

"I'm coming. Wait right there." Spoke the voice in a tone Artemis did not hear, but rather felt.

"I'll be waiting right here. I have no need to fear my own subconscious." Was the reply.

"Good, then you should sit down." Without another moment's delay the being was before him.

Artemis glanced thoughtfully at the creature, at his clothes, his posture.

Horns came up from his head, though they were not of threatening nature. He seemed happy and content, a rather short, impish and pink little creature in a seated position floating at Artemis's eye level. With a grand gesture of his hand, he spoke.

"I am pleased to meet you, I am the Super Ultra Mega Turbo Semi-All-Powerful Me. As that is a bit unwieldy in conversation I am generally called Me."

"I am called Artemis Fowl."

"Good, now we can begin discussing what I came for."

Artemis pondered the meaning of this. This was obviously his own dreamworld, apparently his subconscious wanted to straighten some things out. Fitting, since his life had come to be rather hectic lately. Rather casually Artemis sat down, noticing as he sat that a chair materialized beneath him.

"Now, I have a great many things I must ask you, for I wish to know all I can about you."

"Anything I can do to be of service." Artemis grinned to himself, dreams were fun, more than fun they were productive. Many of his best schemes came from dreams.

"Who are you?"

"I am Artemis Fowl II."

"No, you are not. You are you, I am Me. Who are You?"

"I do not fully understand the question."

"You do understand, but you will not answer me right away. This is fine. We will know soon enough."

Artemis began to seriously wonder if maybe he was ill, this was getting rather unusual.

Me stood up and walked around a table to Artemis, Artemis had never noticed a table to be present there before.

"What do you think of my suit?"  
Artemis examined Me and noticed he was wearing the same suit Artemis had gone to bed in. Note that one generally does not sleep in a business suit, but it had been a long day to say the least.

"This is good, now I know that I am simply dreaming..." Artemis thought hard on his answer.

"I think it is a representation of the way I see myself, or would like to see myself."

Me simply looked at Artemis and cocked his head to the side. Artemis decided to try again, surely he would know what he himself wanted to know. "It demonstrates my desire to appear as an authority figure to those around me?" Me laughed somewhat at this answer, it sounded inhuman, like a dog crying. He spoke again to Artemis. "What about your suit then? How do you like it?"

Artemis raised an eyebrow, then looked down and saw he wore nothing at all. This was rather unusual, but nothing out of the ordinary in a dream which is never ordinary. Unfortunately, he still was confused as to where this was going.

"I'm naked, and my chair is gone." He spoke rather plainly, he seriously wondered why he even bothered with such an obvious statement so he continued, more to render this observation less pointless than anything else.

"I'm vulnerable and exposed... _And_ my chair is gone." Me smiled somewhat and stared at Artemis. Artemis did not like it.

Me examined Artemis, looking up and down his body as though inspecting the quality of a product.

"Do you understand yet?" Me asked in a flat tone, for once abandoning theatrics.

Unfortunately Artemis still did not quite comprehend the meaning of this, apart from the usual discomfort of another entity, even if he was already convinced it was only himself, examining his naked body.

Artemis slightly shook his head in response.

Me sighed and spoke, this time he seemed to sound somewhat tired. "This will continue until you understand, though I cannot make the connections for you. So however long this all takes is going to be entirely based on your ability to understand yourself."

With a wave of his hand several people appeared. Butler, Holly, Juliet, Artemis Fowl I, Mulch Diggums, Minerva, Foaly and Angeline Fowl. They were clothed and stood perfectly still in the abyss.

Artemis glanced about himself, noticing Me had vanished, leaving Artemis alone in the room with the statue like apparitions of his friends and family. That was until one of them moved, it was Holly, only her head and eyes moved.

"Do you finally get it Mud Boy or do we have to spell it out?" Holly spoke in a slightly mocking tone. Artemis, forgetting his current situation due to the oddity around him, immediately faced the apparition of Holly and actually started to speak as though in conversation. That was when Holly's eyes began examining him, and Artemis remembered the state of his appearance at roughly the same time she registered that very same detail. Artemis ran behind the still motionless Butler as she spoke. At that moment Holly became totally animated and walked around Butler to look directly at Artemis.

"Do you understand now Artemis?" Butler asked as he too began to move about, as though with the intent of exposing Artemis to Holly. Artemis finally managed to speak with a strong note of embarrassment in his voice "What are you people doing? I don't like being stared at like this!"

Mulch was next to come to life, his words oddly deep for his character. "YOU, little Arty are a hypocrite. How often have you all been graced by the sight of my bum? Let's take a moment and have a look at you. It's not like you've got anything me or Butler haven't seen before at the very least."

The remaining apparitions animated as well, their gazes burning into Artemis as a thought occurred to him. Mulch's rather crude and unusual statement took on another meaning when taken as a metaphor. He still couldn't quite grasp what was being screamed at him by all of this.

After a moment, Minerva joined the chorus "Artemis, why do you hide?"

Artemis spoke back to her, to all of them. "I hide because I am naked. This frightens me."

Artemis could feel the connections being made, he was close to understanding and he could taste it.

"I am frightened." He spoke to himself, standing up at last. His father spoke next, but he was different somehow... changed.

"Frightened? My son? Frightened so easily? How weak have you become? Why don't you just show yourself to these _friends_ of yours? Show them how much of a bleeding-heart you've become... You who rejected me, your own father, who shot me and left me to die in the frozen waters of the Russian coast? You think that you _saved_ me? You violated every lesson I ever taught you! Now you call that fool with my body minus a leg your father! You are truly wretched, too ashamed of yourself to even see yourself for what you really are. Aurum Est Potestas, what happened to that? Since when does power come from something as immaterial and useless as companionship? Remove the cursed veil from before me!"

Now Artemis understood, and so he spoke. "I understand now." As he spoke this the images before him vanished and in their stead stood Me, still wearing Artemis's suit. Though now Artemis was wearing the same one as well. "What have you learned, mortal?"

"I have always wanted to see everyone else for what they truly are, I want to know them completely and to know all of their secrets. Virtually all sentient creatures desire clothing to hide the aspects of themselves we are most ashamed of, in the case of literal nudity this especially means the sex organs as they are symbols of our being human, of our carnal nature. We are not, within ourselves at the least worthy of the rule we have over the so called lesser creatures. To be carnal is to live for oneself, to be selfish, to ascend beyond it is to be truly sentient. To be naked is to have our carnal, evil nature revealed, to have our hateful, wretched selves and all of our schemes and plans laid bare for all to see.

I understand the hypocrisy now, I wear perpetually the veil over myself in my life to keep my carnal and selfish wishes and motives hidden... so that I can not be manipulated." Me smiled at Artemis again, and nodded to confirm this revelation, Me then began waving his hand slightly as if to ask "And?"

"I want to see everyone else in their entirety, especially the parts they don't want me to see, this is because I want to understand them as my friends, but also because some part of me still wants to manipulate them or at least be able to manipulate them if I choose to."

Me nodded and again, this time saying "Then what of your dear dad? What does he want from you here?" Artemis smiled somewhat sadly, "That is not my father, he is the essence of my family's heritage. At one time the, time of his absence, a part of my view of my father was nothing more to me than an extension of the Fowl family legacy, the drive to gather wealth and power at all costs. When I shot him in the Arctic, even if it was to save him, I was killing everything a part of me felt that he stood for, I rejected the family legacy and now that legacy is swiftly being forgotten. For better or worse I am no longer that cruel twelve year old that looked no further for meaning than his wallet." Artemis finally understood. As such he was offered, and accepted limited control over the abyss before him by Me. This exchange of power was silent, and Artemis heaved a heavy sigh and sat down as his vanishing chair materialized once more beneath him.

Willing a glass of Earl Grey into his hand he spoke "So you are here to help me understand myself, because in the days to come you feel that I will need to be fully aware of myself and my surroundings to be able to make the right choices ahead. Am I right?" Me sat down also, and helped himself to some Earl Grey as well. "You're smart Artemis, I appreciate that. You probably have also realized that time has no relevance here, and you probably understand the significance of that already." Artemis smiled "I'm guessing that means we will be here for as long as it takes for me to get this right." Me was so overjoyed by this simple realization he actually laughed again, Artemis winced at the sound, for some reason Me's laughs seemed more sorrowful and empty than anything else. But who was he to complain about somebody else's laugh? Me finally spoke again, face contorted into a grin far too big for his face "Now we can really start getting somewhere."

_Notes by the Author_: This was the first item I posted here on this site, I have edited it for the sake of ease and now I believe it an easier read. Everything I touch as an author has a sort of trademark touch, I call it that but really its because I'm not so good at writing... I'm a lot better at forcing people to re-evaluate their views. You see, there is quite a list of hidden details about the Artemis Fowl series that most people don't notice at first, such as the symbolism of Artemis shooting his father in the second book. My favorite is a bit more obvious with the foreshadowing of Artemis borrowing Holly's iris cam in book three, and then there is Spiro's comment about how his eyes don't appear to match. Even simple characters like Mulch are much more than they seem to be at first glance. Really, the character of the Super Ultra Mega Turbo Semi-All-Powerful Me is designed as a devious attempt by me to force people to think and rethink about what they already think they know. I claim that Me is present to prepare Artemis for the trials ahead by making him aware of everything within himself and of the way he feels about those around him... Really this is a way for me to make the reader acutely aware of these relationships and more aware of the nature and essence of the various supporting characters such as the often oversimplified Mulch. He really deserves a detailed analysis as he really is an interesting character. I will now shut up so you can go on to reading the next chapter.

I wanted to bait Artemis into saying something about the parallel of nudity in reference to hiding our shameful parts or weaknesses that would come across as dirty in any other context... I really think it could have been some much needed comic relief. Unfortunately I have a conscience.

Stupid conscience...


	2. About the one with the unusual smell

The Super Ultra Mega Turbo Semi-All-Powerful Me

Chapter 2

My name is Artemis Fowl, though that is not who I am.

I am here in a place between dream and reality but that does not define me either.

I am obscenely wealthy, but again that does not define me.

I am.

I exist, I am me.

Whatever I may be, I am invariably also me.

I am made acutely aware of these truths by my situation.

I am alone, with a soul calling himself Me here with me.

Me claims that he is here for my benefit, I am assuming he is called Me because he is some aspect of my subconscious that desires reconciliation with myself... To tell the truth so much has happened in the past several years that I genuinely am surprised this didn't happen sooner..

So, when this affair began, I was relatively calm and collected.

The personification of inner calm.

Then he took my clothes away...

That was not fun. It was enlightening and eventually his meanings were made clear. However...

I reiterate, it was NOT fun. Speaking of unpleasant things, I have been drinking my tea for some time now... Normally such narration of the obvious is out of character for me... Except for two factors that seem significant, one of which is growing more so by the minute.

Firstly, we have been seated here like this for some time, actually ever since I was granted back my clothing after I apparently learned my previous lesson. Since then I have been waiting for Me to make the next move in this game. By this I had hoped to gain an advantage over him, even if he is myself or an aspect of myself I refuse to be ruled by my subconscious. Unfortunately the second and more immediate factor renders my desire to win this war of attrition a complete failure or at least compromises the appearance of dominance I hoped to claim over Me.

For all of my gathered knowledge, I have yet to find a way to deny certain needs.

Such as those necessitated by a bladder full of tea.

I admit defeat.

Artemis squirmed in his seat, it was obvious to Me that he was debating some course of action.

Of course, if Me broke the silence then he would lose the psychological edge he desired so naturally he kept quiet and stared at Artemis as he struggled with himself. Finally, when Me was moments away from beginning the next phase of Artemis's lessons, Artemis broke the silence and lost his edge. Me tried hard not to laugh, Me failed. Artemis very calmly rose one hand to ask a question, it was obvious he had been putting this off until the last possible second. Artemis actually looked like he might suffer genuine damage if the situation was not dealt with immediately. Me knew what Artemis needed before he could ask, but that precious advantage was precious for a reason wasn't it? So Me let Artemis be the one in the humiliating position of asking the location of the toilet. To his credit Artemis was very civil.

"Where might I find the bathroom?"Artemis hated himself at that moment. The ploy by Me was obvious by now, Artemis would be humiliated as often as possible to guarantee his cooperation. After this realization, he made another that seriously made him consider the possibility that his intelligence had been lowered dramatically somehow. He materialized both the chair and the tea. Why hadn't he thought to just materialize a proper bathroom? Then he could have just asked to be excused and could have minimized his loss of authority. What was done was done however, and Me responded to Artemis's question very promptly.

Me glanced an eye toward the space behind Artemis and spoke "It's right there behind you about thirty meters. Just stand up, turn 180 degrees and walk until you hit something, the whole thing is black as I wanted it to match everything else to some extent. You understand of course, Fowl manor is very well furnished, very fashionable." Artemis stood, nodded his head to his cunning host and turned to begin walking for thirty meters. He hit his head, hard.

Artemis winced with the shock of the hit, the door was as black as everything else and as such was totally invisible. Artemis recovered his composure rather quickly and started to open the door when a horrid smell pervaded his nostrils. While in this confused place, a place where nothing was absolute, where everything could potentially be an illusion... Artemis was somehow absolutely certain of the identity of the source of that smell. If he had one, he would bet his bum flap on it.

Very gently, he opened the door. As if there were any doubt who had been the previous occupant... despite all odds he was still standing there, Artemis didn't know what to say. Fortunately Mulch did.

"Hey Arty! Didn't expect to see ya here. Hold on a minute so I can leave and give you some privacy, don't mind the smell... I had to do a lot of digging to get here on time." Artemis had to distract himself from his distressed organ, and he was curious so he had to ask. "On time for what?"  
Mulch chuckled as he walked out "For your birthday you silly Mud Boy!" Artemis was dumbfounded as he stood in the doorway to the bathroom. Then he was inclined to remember his reason for being there and once that was taken care of, he came out and walked back to where Me and now also Much Diggums were sitting. He was confused, he was noticing that he was somewhat hungry, and noticing that both Mulch and Me were wearing party hats while looming over an extraordinarily large cake.................................................................................................................Okay.

Artemis was puzzled, but he assumed this was another part of the lessons that Me was attempting to have him learn. "Whatever happens here, Me will not stop it until I give him the answer he wants to hear. This circumstance is meant to tell me something about myself, or to make me more aware of my perceptions of others. In this case Diggums is critical to the answer. My previous lesson was of becoming aware of the veil and hypocrisy inherent in it. What lesson is Mulch here to give?"

Me spoke first, smiling broadly as Mulch openly salivated at the cake. "Artemis, we sat here for hours on end, you never told me it was your birthday!" Artemis stared at Diggums, struggling to gather some meaning from his salivation. Maybe he was a representation of gluttony? Finally he answered Me, still staring at Mulch all the while. "I never knew about it either. Actually I can't remember when my birthday is for some reason." Mulch leaned back in his chair to speak, Artemis noticed his hair was actually combed, and he was wearing what appeared to be a custom tailored suit, complete with a bum flap of course. "Mud Boy, I'm sorry I couldn't get Holly or anybody else here, I only remembered at the last minute and started digging for the manor as soon as I could. I kinda got your birthday confused with one of the dwarf holy days so I guess its understandable when you think of how many and how varied they are, as dear as they may be to us dwarfs." Artemis cocked his head at Mulch, a thought just occurred to him. "Mulch I never told you my birthday to the best of my knowledge." Mulch grinned as he talked "I looked it up after you 'fixed' my original search warrant. I wanted to give that medallion back as a birthday present. But Opal got in the mix, Julius died, you know the rest." Artemis was pleased, even if this was just an illusion it was nice to think somebody remembered and cared. Cared being the key rather than remembered as Artemis himself couldn't remember at the moment.

Me interrupted them both with the wave of a serving knife. "Hey birthday boy, aren't you going to cut the cake?" Mulch resumed salivating at the word 'cake'. "Yeah! Artemis please cut the cake, a dwarf can't live by dirt alone!" So Artemis took up the knife and began cutting the cake with surgical precision. He placed one large section on Mulch's plate, another on Me's, and one smaller section on his own plate. He then began the age old formalities for the beginning of a Fowl family meal... including bowing his head in prayer. It was tradition, though in the past it had been more or less a farce to make his mother believe he and his father were going toward the straight and narrow. Artemis nevertheless felt more meaning in the gesture each day. Probably because for once in his life he actually cared about if his actions were genuinely good or not. This was the approximate moment that Mulch immediately and unceremoniously began digging into his cake. Artemis sat down and watched his friend wolf down his meal in the time it took himself to take his first bite. A voice echoed in his ear, "Disgusting isn't it? The way he devours everything set before him. Hardly an acquaintance worthy of you." Artemis thought to himself as these words came to him, he answered them saying "I don't care, he is a friend he means no harm or offense and so I will take none. Mulch is Mulch."

The voice continued to speak after Artemis spoke, this time the world about him vanished once more. Artemis again stood amongst nothing, then from the ether appeared the shape of Mulch Diggums. Bum flap open, unfortunately. Artemis was rather sad to see the illusion go, he didn't even get to have any cake. "Alas" he thought "This must be the the way, or else I might get even more attached to the falsehood. I do wish that his flap wasn't open, or its contents in plain view." The voice returned to Artemis to again. "What is he to you? What is this being of the soil? Your friends have become legion compared to before, you have no need of him." Artemis spoke again, this time making himself clearly audible as he was sure no other person could hear him.

"My time with the People has softened me, I cannot bear to reject any soul that would call himself a friend to my family." The voice chuckled, the sound seemed more pained than joyful to Artemis. It spoke again "Faithful art thou, mortal. But you have not answered my question. What is Diggums to you?" Artemis wanted to shout his answer, but as usual resisted, emotion did not suit him well. "He is a friend, one I have relied on heavily in times past." Again the voice spoke in his ears. It sounded different, encouraging. "What makes him different from your other friends?" Artemis glanced at Mulch and smiled, he figured this one out relatively quickly. The bum flap gave away the answer. (Yes it was still hanging open.) "Mulch is one of a kind. He may very well be the most powerful of my friends, maybe not physically but surprisingly spiritually. He makes no attempt to hide his kleptomaniac nature, nor does he hide any other aspect of himself. Much to our displeasure I might add. (At this time Artemis decided to stop staring at Mulch as the sight of the bare rear end was starting to burn his eyes.) Mulch has nothing to hide. He is a simple dwarf with simple needs and no illusions of being anything more. He is in his own way humble enough to take any insult with a cool head while at the same time has enough dignity to help those who might need it. He is entirely aware of his vices and so he can overcome them when the situation truly demands it. If I lost Butler I would be devastated. Mulch is self-sufficient enough to the point that regardless of what happens tomorrow, if Mulch Diggums isn't dead then he will be perfectly fine. He isn't a glutton, nor is he selfish... He's enlightened to an incredible level of self-awareness and with that is at a point of near spiritual invulnerability. And the amazing thing is he wasn't even trying to get there to begin with. Am I right?"

Me appeared again and the image of Mulch vanished. His jaw was actually hanging open. Artemis smiled to himself and thought "Score one for the mortal..." Me recovered and clapped his hands in applause, Artemis bowed theatrically, which isn't easy when one is standing in an abyss..... Me spoke to Artemis "So would you like some more tea?" Artemis's features turned solid as he spoke one word with incredible resolve. "No."

_AND that ends this chapter. I hope somebody got the gag about the bow, it's supposed to read like Artemis assimilated a part of Mulch's mindset for a moment there. I came to the same realization recently and it shocked me quite a bit. Seriously, who does Mulch rely on to the point that their death might cause him to no longer be able to function? Don't say Root. Next I believe I will write about Butler, and no it will not be as freaky as these past two, Butler is straightforward and so his chapter will be as well, straightforward and hopefully awesome._


	3. Artemis is a ?

In the abyss

Two figures exist

One is human

The other is decidedly not

Seeking truth one speaks

The other listens

For It is not a common thing

To have lessons from an immortal.

A third figure appears

That of Holly Short

She stood perfectly still in the darkness

A simple shape without a soul.

Artemis's eyes stared unmovingly at her

Me noticed his gaze

Its direction

"So he's _that_ sort of boy..." He thought to himself.

The author

Struggling with his conscience

Demands that you ignore that last part.

In it's entirety.

He says it was only a gag Nothing more But still The question remains.

What the **** was he staring at?

The author asks that you disregard the last part As well as continuing to disregard the part before it.

Again...

A third figure appears

That of Holly Short

She stood perfectly still in the darkness

A simple shape without a soul.

The mortal then ran up to her

And slapped her on the rump.

Disregard that.

One more time...

A third figure appears

That of Holly Short

She stood perfectly still in the darkness

A simple shape without a soul.

Artemis stares at her for a long time

At her **_hair _**

Me wonders what thoughts stir

Within the mortal mind

Eventually he asks the mortal

Who answers saying

"In ancient times The temple harlots in the service of Artemis

Would cut their hair short.

This is why short hair was forbidden in women

For a long time.

So that they wouldn't be mistaken For the harlots of Artemis."

Me looked at Artemis

Then at Holly

Then back at Artemis

Then back to Holly's _very, very short_ auburn hair.

He then turned back to Artemis

And spoke "Artemis!

You're a pimp!"

And the author saw that it was good.

* * *

I am ashamed of myself somewhat in that I originally screwed up the punchline of this joke. I said long hair was forbidden instead of short hair. Again, shameful. I have fixed it though.

Seriously, this is not canon within my story, which is also not canon technically.  
I just wanted something between events to be silly with.

Seriously this is only a gag. Apparently one that some people won't get since the word harlot is no longer in use... It means prostitute. I was trying to tastefully illustrate a thought that would occur to Artemis. You see, the goddess Artemis had in her service a number of harlots, to be physical representations of her. Male followers of Artemis would purchase their services as a means of prayer... Artemis Fowl is like a reincarnation of the goddess of the hunt, Holly is always coming to his aid and doing his bidding despite her objections, and she has very short hair.


	4. Kill Me

Artemis felt as though he had spent an eternity within the abyss.

He was plagued by sudden, irrational fears constantly.

Fears that he might never leave.

Fears that the remainder or Eternity would be spent here in darkness.

Artemis dismissed these fears as they came, but they were getting harder to ignore...

Seated in the darkness, across from him the immortal...

Thoughts came to Artemis.

Perhaps there was never a way to escape the void.

Perhaps Me had deceived him and was holding him captive somehow.

Artemis's thoughts came to somehow be relayed across the void.

Me smiled for a moment. Then nodded.

It was true.

"How?" Was all Artemis could say. Me spoke, a slight madness in his voice.

"You have probably realized how you came to be here already, so I'll assume your question is a useful one... such as how to escape."

This time Artemis nodded, Me spoke again.

"I brought you here with one purpose. I want you to kill me. Until you can do that, you can never leave."

Artemis felt a weight in his hand... he immediately brought it up before him.

There was a revolver in his hand.

As if some other power possessed him, Artemis stood up and crossed the void to where Me sat.

Artemis knew this was not what he wanted, he would not kill.

He could never kill. Would never kill.

Under normal circumstances...

His body was not obeying him anymore.

Artemis knelt down a little and placed the barrel of the gun into Me's neck.

Me looked up at him, and smiled.

Me's voice echoed throughout the void.

"Artemis!"

Artemis sat up in his chair with a jerk at the sound of his friend's voice.

Me actually looked surprised, he spoke saying.

"You actually fell asleep while telling me about your theories on the mortality of nations.

That seems pretty odd, are you well?"

Artemis nodded. "I feel fine, apparently I just had a dream of some sort. I can't even remember what it was."

Me smiled, Artemis wondered if Me knew the truth behind the lie. Artemis couldn't be sure, but it was highly unlikely that he could actually fall asleep during a conversation with Me.

In fact he was certain Me had put him to sleep.

The only question was if Me had caused the dream or not... He was beginning to think it couldn't have been only a dream... He couldn't see it anymore, but he was sure he could feel the weight of the revolver still lingering in his hand.

They just sat there for the moment, then continued discussing the mortality of the nations.


End file.
